Don't Be An Angry Betty

The Ultimate Cautionary Tale:
Don’t Be An Angry Betty
In 1989 a San Diego woman named Betty Broderick shot and killed her ex-husband and his new wife while they slept in their bed. The Broderick’s had gone through an onerous and vicious divorce proceeding, during which Dan, a prominent attorney, used his legal connections and insider knowledge to completely massacre her in the courtroom. After Broderick's husband, Dan, left her for a young flight attendant turned legal assistant, Betty reacted outrageously. She covered the interior walls of his house with black spray-paint and drove her car through his front door. She left angry, obscenity-laced rants on his answering machine. She completely lost custody of her children, and was awarded much less financial compensation than she should have been. Betty played an important role in their family’s ample finances by taking odd jobs to put Dan through law school. The more intense her defeat became the more erratic and aggressive she behaved. In the end everyone lost. Betty was in jail. Dan and his wife were brutally murdered. Their children were left parentless.
When you lay the facts of her case on paper one can’t help but empathize with her to an extent. A lot of women felt swayed by the fact that her husband abandoned her for a much younger, more attractive woman. Also she played a pivotal role in helping him establish his career, and raised his children, while he went out in the world to capture both fortune and status. It’s unfortunate that she took the crazy bitch route. There’s an enormous life lesson about dignity and self esteem here. There’s a lot to be said for knowing when to cut your losses. It’s easier to give lip service to the concepts of “letting go” and “forgiveness” than it is to incorporate them into our lives. Over the last couple days it has occurred to me that Betty Broderick is the poster child for the absolute need to let go of anger. There’s an enormous life lesson about dignity and self esteem here.
Clearly Ms. Broderick had issues with mental instability. She wouldn’t have done the things that she did if she wasn’t to some extent mentally ill. But I think if a lot of us do some honest soul searching we will see that there is a little Betty in all of us. Clearly she was treated horribly, clearly things were not fair, and clearly there was a period where she was at least somewhat of a victim. But she lost herself and her dignity along the way. She became bent on revenge and the need for validation. Her case and her behavior hold a lot of lessons. Now, over twenty years later, she has an again been denied parole because she is obsessed with placing the blame on the others, and justifying actions that cannot be justified. The parole board and even Betty’s own son believe that she is still a danger to others.
Looking at the trajectory of Betty Broderick’s life has made me want to examine my own life. Well most of us will probably not have as dramatic of an experience as Ms. Broderick, all of us at some time or another will have to deal with bouts of anger, jealousy, rejection, and thoughts of revenge. We will go through experiences like break-ups and divorces. Sometimes bad things are going to happen; sometimes life can be very unfair. Betty’s experience was a perfect storm of being deprived of her children, her money, her marriage, and her dignity for all the public to see. There’s a part of me that wants to rewrite her script, and give everyone a happier ending. It’s also made me think about ways to handle life’s curve balls. If you’re going through a painful break-up you don’t want to be an Angry Betty.
Lesson Number One: Keep Your Rage In Check
After a point people are not going to remember who was wrong or right if you act like a crazy person. Betty was humiliated personally and robbed financially; that’s a fact. The thing that people are going to remember though is her outrageous and indecorous behavior. What’s going to stick in their minds is the ranting cursing woman on the answer machine. They are less likely to remember the woman who worked odd jobs to put her husband through law school right after he finished medical school. Her house vandalizing, her shrill and threatening antics are crystallized in the public’s mind. She became a figure of public ridicule with a news writer that humorously dubbed her Angry Betty. There is an inherent misogyny in our society that is condemnatory of women who are angry and out of control. You don’t want to be that person.
It’s best to really monitor your actions and conversations during the heated period surrounding a break up. It can be tempting to draw friends and other acquaintances into conversations that they don’t feel comfortable being involved in. It’s easy to rant, cry, and be dramatic. During break ups you’ll need friends more than ever. It’s important to not be too depressed or angry when you’re out socially with people (and hanging out with people is one of the best things you can do if you find yourself suddenly single.) Be good company. Happy fun people attract happy fun people. There’s a statue of limitations on how long you’re allowed to be a downer!

Lesson Number Two: Sometimes You Need To Cut Your Losses
Betty was robbed, but she was also left with a settlement ($9,000 dollars a month) which she could have created a fulfilling new life with. Yes, her husband had been unfaithful to her, and yes, he lied to her for a long time before leaving her for a much younger woman. Betty, it sucks, and it happens to an awful lot of people. Anger and hurt are inevitable, but long term suffering is not. Break-ups may require a period of mourning. Repressing feelings of hurt, anger, and sadness is not healthy, but you cannot let them over-take your entire mind. After a short wallowing period it’s best to view a break up as an opportunity to contact friends that you haven’t been seeing as much, work on a project or take up hobby that has always been in the back of your mind, read good books and watch movies that you haven’t had time for. The point is you without your mate are still you. You deserve treats, pleasures, and accomplishments. Shaking loose of a mate who has been eroding your self-esteem can be the best thing that ever happened to you, if you let it be.
Unfortunately sometimes break-ups are going to result in a lowering of standard of living. Maybe you’ve been sharing an apartment or own a home together. This sort of thing makes an already bad situation even worse. It’s healthy to remember that this set-back may only be temporary. You are the person in charge of your life. With careful planning you can figure out ways to earn more money and enhance your quality of life. It really helps not dwell on failed relationships. Instead spend those hours making a new game plan for the next phase of your life.

Lesson Number Three: Practicing Forgiveness Is For You (Not For The Bastard Who Wronged You!)
Accepting a break up is easier if you don’t ruminate. The thing about holding on to anger is that it doesn’t hurt the person you are angry at. It hurts you! You’re the one giving away your precious life-force, and the energy that you should be putting in to bettering your own existence. Whether you are focusing on positive or negative elements of the relationship it is going to harm you, particularly in the early stages of the break up. Remember this is not the relationship lingering. Just because you are thinking about him does not mean he is thinking about you. Let it go. You can’t afford to stay angry. It’s over. Take all of your passion and all of your fire and direct it at loving yourself, and building a great life for yourself, with or without a mate. Once you forgive, I beg you to forget. By forget I mean put him and the relationship out of your mind. Hating him is not worth carrying him around with you. Open your heart and head to new experiences instead.

Lesson Number Four: There Are No Knights In Shining Armor
Our society perpetuates many a dangerous myth about love and marriage. One of the most dangerous myths is that marriage is forever (before you start a heated rebuttal just look at divorce statistics) and it entitles you to any kind of security or happily ever after. Ultimately we all need to be able to take care of ourselves. Women as a group put too much emphasis and importance on finding a mate, sometimes at the expense of our own fiscal and spiritual development. Again society supports this by propagating the myth that there is someone out there who will “take care of us.”
Let’s review the facts. There are now more females than males enrolled in college. There are more and more female run households. Half of marriages fail. Come on ladies, get real! You may find love once or twice in your life, but nothing is final. Nothing is certain. We cannot afford to sit around waiting for “the person of our dreams.” No, we need to be the person of our dreams.

Lesson Number Five: Don’t Freak Out On People’s Answering Machines
This one is self-explanatory and very important. It’s kind of like don’t drive your car into someone’s house, and don’t shoot people! Uh Betty, are you listening? The whole crazy bitch routine strips us of our dignity. If someone is not treating us right then we are better off not having them in our lives. It really is that simp
Lesson Number Five: Be Accountable, Apologize, And Move On Sometimes we screw up sometimes our tempers and emotions get the better of us. We act stupidly and say things we regret. In cases like this it’s best to do immediate damage control and take responsibility for what we did. Many will forgive us, some will not. You cannot expect zero consequences and zero casualties from bad behavior. It’s best not to over-explain and try to justify things. Twenty years later they will not give Betty Broderick parole because she’ s still obsessed with explaining why she killed her husband and his new wife. The parole board thinks that with this blameful mind-set she is capable of murder again. Scary.